Starting over
August 7th, 2003 by Liss
Yes, it’s all gone. Everything - well, almost everything - that used to be here has gone to the big filing cabinet in the sky, and I’m starting over. By popular demand, I’m keeping some of the older stuff to provide a little context…or so you can see right up front how dull my life is and move along quickly before you’re bored into a stupor.
August into September: the time of fresh starts, clean slates, and new beginnings. I suppose that it’s been like that for most people who grew up in this country; a new school year begins with infinite possibilities - at least for the first few days. It might be as long as a week before things settle down and you realize the truth: everything will be exactly the same way it was the year before.
I’ve passed the point that I can easily rearrange my entire life, ditch everything that’s not right in my world and start with a clean slate. I did it more than once in the years between high school graduation and the time I “settled down” in my mid-twenties. (Maybe I settled down a little too soon: suddenly I think that twenty-four seems awfully young.)
Now, though, I have Obligations and Responsibilities. A husband, two dogs, a car payment and a mortgage. A “real” job, with people that are counting on me to show up and pull my weight. Not to mention 1800 square feet of…well…stuff. A lot more stuff than I really know what to do with, and definitely more stuff than would fit in the back of my car - even if the car in question now is an SUV and not the hatchback it was when I was twenty.
Don’t get me wrong: I have a good life. I could not ask for a better husband or a happier marriage. I have a nice house and a good job. I’m a fortunate person, and I know that. But I catch myself staring into space sometimes, thinking not about the life that I have, but the infinite lives that I don’t have.
When did I get so bogged down by minutia that I stopped looking toward the future? Somewhere back there, when I wasn’t looking, I went from being a girl with unlimited potential to…what exactly? Here I am, no longer wondering what I’ll be when I grow up…but pretty sure that this isn’t it.
I didn’t get an instruction book with this thing. If this is my life, what do I do next?